I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
