Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
