what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
