I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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