Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
