THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
