just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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