I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
