OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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