There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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