I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
