just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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