I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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