It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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