The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
