Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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