We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
