I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
