Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize