why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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