I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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