I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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