If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
