thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
