This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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