Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You are a genius and a whore.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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