I accidentally had phone sex last night
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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