I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
