I just pynch a tree in the face
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
