i'm lost and i look like a hooker
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
