im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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