I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
