My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
