i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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