i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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