dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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