You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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