it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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