You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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