peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
