Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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