so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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