Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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