Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
