Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
