I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
