I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
