How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
