just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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