I am full of burrito and curiosity
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
