do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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