just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
