NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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