why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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