he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You're a waste of cheezeits
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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