Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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