This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
