I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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