Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
