probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
me + whiskey = a bad person
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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